If there's anything I hate more than people's obnoxious animals, it's their obnoxious kids. The other day while driving to work, I saw a lady dragging one of those little red wagons with her kid in it, which was towing another red wagon with a kid in it, which was tied to a plastic Fisher-Price wagon, again with a child in it, dragging one last wagon complete with child. It was a formidable choo-choo train of wagon riding children of various ages. I nearly choked on my coffee and crashed my car - but at least I would have died laughing. Link.
But that's not what this post is about. Today, kids, we're going to learn about animals. I happened to be watching television and was terrified to learn that dogs have better dental care than most humans! Apparently there is this product that you can buy and your dog chews on it and it cleans its teeth. Why can't inventors throw us a fucking bone here? Toothpaste? And floss? Who the fuck came up with floss anyway?
Come on people, we gotta draw the line somewhere! Fucking dental hygiene for your dog?!? Really? What is the life expectancy for a dog anyways? What's the point of having your puppy's teeth outlast his lifespan? Are you going to collect Fido's teeth so you can snag some extra coin from the tooth fairy?
Same with violence, it seems that the bleeding hearts make more of a fuss when a cute kitty gets wasted than when people are the victims of violence. People piss away their effort on the things that don't matter. Yes, I know you love Scooby, but think about the example Shaggy is setting for your kids by smoking hash in the back of that van. Stop protesting about animal testing and go fight some crime if you care about the sanctity of life you fucking morons.
Enough ranting for tonight, I have to set up some traps to crush tiny rodents.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Bad Neighbours
Lakeview Terrace. It's got Samuel L. Jackson. Motherfucker. Maybe that last "motherfucker" wasn't necessary but then again, it's Samuel L. Jackson. Motherfucker.
Yeah. I guess Hollywood is out of ideas. Go watch the trailer right now.
No joke, it's about neighbours who don't get along. And they really don't get along. I just think it's a stupid idea to base a story around. I think the last movie I saw where the neighbours don't get along was Dennis the Menace; that really doesn't set a good precedent for paying 10 bucks to see a flick in the movie theater. I mean I like Samuel L. Jackson, because he's a badass motherfucker - but I think he should have stayed away from this one. He's going to be badass in this movie, but it's a little hard for me to take it seriously when the reason for all the badassery is that Jackson could be pissed about buddy's dog taking a dump on his lawn or something just as trivial.
When it comes to neighbours, they don't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. That's the way it should be. I live in an apartment building, which helps with the interaction because everyone in the building keeps to themselves. We usually keep it to: "Hey how ya doing?" and "Shitty weather lately." or a prehistoric grunt and a nod. Every once in a while you hear people bumping something upstairs or moving some furniture, but for the most part that's to be expected. I've had an apartment 'cohabitant' knock on my door only once in the last year that I've lived here. Not even to borrow some sugar or a power tool. Although I guess I did have a police officer bang on my door one evening looking for someone named Ray. I shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn't even know the first name of anyone in the building. Turns out Ray is the fella in the apartment next to mine. Who knew?
That's why I don't understand this whole bad neighbours thing. Unless your neighbour skins live cats at 3 am then you ought not have any issues. The less effort you put into your neighbourly relationship with the people who dwell around you - the less they will interact with you. What a magical equation! This just makes it even harder for me to believe the premise of Lakeview Terrace. Considering the houses that you see in the trailer, it surprises me that Jackson and his neighbour have time to fight amongst themselves given all their tennis practices and the busy schedule down at the yacht club - we're talking upscale Hollywood surbubia here, not a trailer park.
People always say that good fences make good neighbours, that might be true, but not giving a shit about your neighbours also works. Just ignore them, you'll have good neighbours.
Yeah. I guess Hollywood is out of ideas. Go watch the trailer right now.
No joke, it's about neighbours who don't get along. And they really don't get along. I just think it's a stupid idea to base a story around. I think the last movie I saw where the neighbours don't get along was Dennis the Menace; that really doesn't set a good precedent for paying 10 bucks to see a flick in the movie theater. I mean I like Samuel L. Jackson, because he's a badass motherfucker - but I think he should have stayed away from this one. He's going to be badass in this movie, but it's a little hard for me to take it seriously when the reason for all the badassery is that Jackson could be pissed about buddy's dog taking a dump on his lawn or something just as trivial.
When it comes to neighbours, they don't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. That's the way it should be. I live in an apartment building, which helps with the interaction because everyone in the building keeps to themselves. We usually keep it to: "Hey how ya doing?" and "Shitty weather lately." or a prehistoric grunt and a nod. Every once in a while you hear people bumping something upstairs or moving some furniture, but for the most part that's to be expected. I've had an apartment 'cohabitant' knock on my door only once in the last year that I've lived here. Not even to borrow some sugar or a power tool. Although I guess I did have a police officer bang on my door one evening looking for someone named Ray. I shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn't even know the first name of anyone in the building. Turns out Ray is the fella in the apartment next to mine. Who knew?
That's why I don't understand this whole bad neighbours thing. Unless your neighbour skins live cats at 3 am then you ought not have any issues. The less effort you put into your neighbourly relationship with the people who dwell around you - the less they will interact with you. What a magical equation! This just makes it even harder for me to believe the premise of Lakeview Terrace. Considering the houses that you see in the trailer, it surprises me that Jackson and his neighbour have time to fight amongst themselves given all their tennis practices and the busy schedule down at the yacht club - we're talking upscale Hollywood surbubia here, not a trailer park.
People always say that good fences make good neighbours, that might be true, but not giving a shit about your neighbours also works. Just ignore them, you'll have good neighbours.
Friday, July 18, 2008
My Open Letter to Jay Onrait
The following is my open letter to TSN personality Jay Onrait. Here's his bio. Although, I suggest you avoid it, lest you see his goofy smirk that will make you cringe as if you were watching a bicycle accident.
Dear Mr. Jay Onrait,
It's no surprise that you normally fill the late night slot for Sportscentre, it certainly has the least audience viewing - either that, or the people watching at that time are too tired to care who does their sports announcing, because quite honestly, Mr. Onrait, you are the worst announcer on SC.
Lately though, Mr. Onrait, you have been gracing more and more daytime slots on SC. Now normally, I turn on TSN to catch SC and the previous day's scoreboard when I get up in the morning and make myself some delightful breakfast. The last thing I want to hear when I get up is your shrieking voice spouting off poorly executed, or at best, plain-old bad jokes. This infuriates me. How can I possibly start my day like this? It eats away at me and I struggle to get my groove back before I get to work.
I am quite surprised that while watching SC about a week ago, there was a Jay Onrait *ahem* "Fan Club" at the Jays game. Either a) this is a joke and they are mocking you, or b) these people are totally out of touch with reality. I'm going to go with option a.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter, please read it on the air, so that all may hear how terrible you really are. It also means a lot to me that you, yourself, understand how awful you are. Stay out of my television.
Thank you and good day to you sir.
Dear Mr. Jay Onrait,
It's no surprise that you normally fill the late night slot for Sportscentre, it certainly has the least audience viewing - either that, or the people watching at that time are too tired to care who does their sports announcing, because quite honestly, Mr. Onrait, you are the worst announcer on SC.
Lately though, Mr. Onrait, you have been gracing more and more daytime slots on SC. Now normally, I turn on TSN to catch SC and the previous day's scoreboard when I get up in the morning and make myself some delightful breakfast. The last thing I want to hear when I get up is your shrieking voice spouting off poorly executed, or at best, plain-old bad jokes. This infuriates me. How can I possibly start my day like this? It eats away at me and I struggle to get my groove back before I get to work.
I am quite surprised that while watching SC about a week ago, there was a Jay Onrait *ahem* "Fan Club" at the Jays game. Either a) this is a joke and they are mocking you, or b) these people are totally out of touch with reality. I'm going to go with option a.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter, please read it on the air, so that all may hear how terrible you really are. It also means a lot to me that you, yourself, understand how awful you are. Stay out of my television.
Thank you and good day to you sir.
Stupid Protests
Ahhh... protests. Using your so-called 'right' to free speech.
Here's a new classic: Activists help condo owner fight eviction [Boston Globe]
Synopsis: Boston lady can't make mortgage payments, lender decides to foreclose, community protests foreclosure, lender backs off... giving her a 30-day grace period.
These idiotic protestors bitch out the U.S. government for bailing out 'the big guys', i.e. banks. Well, Defaulting-on-your-mortgage-crazy-lady, maybe that's because if all the banks start filing bankruptcy, then your country's entire economic structure will crumble, which will then lead to a whole bunch more people out on their ass in the streets - not just you. This is a simple utilitarian principle, do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And you, my dear crazy-lady, are not the greatest number.
Why do people join protests that attempt to protect stupidity? This woman is not fiscally responsible. Do I need to repeat that? She. Can't. Pay. Her. Mortgage. These same people will go home feeling great that they helped the little guy out, and bitch about their taxpayer dollars going to deadbeat welfare recipients. Don't protect stupidity! How is this woman any different? She's about to learn a very harsh, but also very important lesson. In 30 days when her bank's leniency runs out, she's going to learn an important lesson.
Related lesson: I end up going to the movie theater with two friends. Friend #1 decides to get food at the food court. I lean over to friend #2, and say: "Watch this, [he]'s about to learn an important lesson." Everyone knows that movie theaters don't take kindly to bringing your own goody bag into the movies. Did I stop him? As friend #1 gets ejected from the movies for trying to smuggle in his delicious contraband, I have a good chuckle at his expense, thinking: "told ya so."
Did I protect his stupidity? No. Did he learn an important lesson? He sure did. Harsh, but important. I consider my inaction a complete success.
The people who don't learn are the ones that piss me off. I get a kick out of seeing protests in the news, because I know, normally, that someone gets a good beat down. And god-damn, do I ever love watching a one-sided UFC match between a cop with riot gear and a taser in hand, and a skinny patchouli wearing hippie using a misspelled cardboard sign as a shield!
Olympics in China. No matter how hard you tantrum, I'm sorry Professor Asshat, they are still going to happen. Sure, the condition of human *ahem* rights in China is awful. But let's be realistic here. They won't going to cancel the Olympics because you stole the Olympic torch. No, no, my activist (whatever the fuck that word means) friends - I mean, honestly, it's the fucking Olympics - the show must go on. That's the bottom line. This is a show. And not only that, it's a show of the 'cash cow' variety. Those corporate monsters will taser your stupid ass into cardiac arrest to make money entertaining the masses (and how!).
No matter how many times Bono shakes his fist and demands that governments do more for the plight of Africa, it's not going to have much of an effect. I think people might be more responsive if he changed his name to George, got rid of his diamond-encrusted-welding-mask-sized-glasses, and gathered some experts (doctors, lawyers, politicians and political analysts, engineers, military advisors, social workers, health workers, and a variety of other professionals) and put together a working group that comes up with a realistic, acheivable, long-term plan that addresses the problem instead of demanding that every richer-than-Africa country throw money hand over fist at a problem and hoping for a different outcome than last time.
So stop protesting stupid shit. At least for the sake of my blood pressure. God I hate writing about Bono. That guy makes me sick.
Here's a new classic: Activists help condo owner fight eviction [Boston Globe]
Synopsis: Boston lady can't make mortgage payments, lender decides to foreclose, community protests foreclosure, lender backs off... giving her a 30-day grace period.
These idiotic protestors bitch out the U.S. government for bailing out 'the big guys', i.e. banks. Well, Defaulting-on-your-mortgage-crazy-lady, maybe that's because if all the banks start filing bankruptcy, then your country's entire economic structure will crumble, which will then lead to a whole bunch more people out on their ass in the streets - not just you. This is a simple utilitarian principle, do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And you, my dear crazy-lady, are not the greatest number.
Why do people join protests that attempt to protect stupidity? This woman is not fiscally responsible. Do I need to repeat that? She. Can't. Pay. Her. Mortgage. These same people will go home feeling great that they helped the little guy out, and bitch about their taxpayer dollars going to deadbeat welfare recipients. Don't protect stupidity! How is this woman any different? She's about to learn a very harsh, but also very important lesson. In 30 days when her bank's leniency runs out, she's going to learn an important lesson.
Related lesson: I end up going to the movie theater with two friends. Friend #1 decides to get food at the food court. I lean over to friend #2, and say: "Watch this, [he]'s about to learn an important lesson." Everyone knows that movie theaters don't take kindly to bringing your own goody bag into the movies. Did I stop him? As friend #1 gets ejected from the movies for trying to smuggle in his delicious contraband, I have a good chuckle at his expense, thinking: "told ya so."
Did I protect his stupidity? No. Did he learn an important lesson? He sure did. Harsh, but important. I consider my inaction a complete success.
The people who don't learn are the ones that piss me off. I get a kick out of seeing protests in the news, because I know, normally, that someone gets a good beat down. And god-damn, do I ever love watching a one-sided UFC match between a cop with riot gear and a taser in hand, and a skinny patchouli wearing hippie using a misspelled cardboard sign as a shield!
Olympics in China. No matter how hard you tantrum, I'm sorry Professor Asshat, they are still going to happen. Sure, the condition of human *ahem* rights in China is awful. But let's be realistic here. They won't going to cancel the Olympics because you stole the Olympic torch. No, no, my activist (whatever the fuck that word means) friends - I mean, honestly, it's the fucking Olympics - the show must go on. That's the bottom line. This is a show. And not only that, it's a show of the 'cash cow' variety. Those corporate monsters will taser your stupid ass into cardiac arrest to make money entertaining the masses (and how!).
No matter how many times Bono shakes his fist and demands that governments do more for the plight of Africa, it's not going to have much of an effect. I think people might be more responsive if he changed his name to George, got rid of his diamond-encrusted-welding-mask-sized-glasses, and gathered some experts (doctors, lawyers, politicians and political analysts, engineers, military advisors, social workers, health workers, and a variety of other professionals) and put together a working group that comes up with a realistic, acheivable, long-term plan that addresses the problem instead of demanding that every richer-than-Africa country throw money hand over fist at a problem and hoping for a different outcome than last time.
So stop protesting stupid shit. At least for the sake of my blood pressure. God I hate writing about Bono. That guy makes me sick.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Television Warnings
Here's another nanny state alert: goddamn motherfucking warnings before a television show and after commercials when the show resumes (I live in Canada). This pisses me off to no end. They put these on after every commercial break, and then they fucking read it to me. This... has to stop. Please... it's just irritating. Who makes these asinine rules? And who are they trying to protect?
"The following program contains nudity, sexuality, and course language. Viewer discretion is advised."
Studies have shown the children who witness the above warning message continue watching 100% of the time. That message attracts kids to TV like lint to my navel. The thing that bugs me the most is that waaaaay before these post-commercial warnings ever started popping up on the airwaves they had a little 'thingie' in the top corner of the show that said: PG, or 14A or whatever. Make up your mind; one or the other! Now there are two warnings!
Holyshithwhatthefuckbarbequeoverkill? Is that really necessary? The little 14A in the corner means something, and it isn't nearly as obtrusive, so there's no need to billboard my TV with a 30 second warning every time Family Guy breaks for commercial. I feel like someone from the CRTC is holding my hand while I watch TV... "Are you sure you want to watch this show?" Fuck you TV regulators. I want blood and violence and sex, if I didn't, then it wouldn't be on TV anyways. I watched Deliverance, every goddamn Rambo movie, and 2 girls 1 cup, damn you - I've seen it all.
Protect the children? Fuck you. I say we desensitize kids as soon as possible. Make them immune to blood and guts and sex, otherwise they end up being whimpering prudes; I guess in a society of pussies, they'll fit in.
Studies have shown the children who witness the above warning message continue watching 100% of the time. That message attracts kids to TV like lint to my navel. The thing that bugs me the most is that waaaaay before these post-commercial warnings ever started popping up on the airwaves they had a little 'thingie' in the top corner of the show that said: PG, or 14A or whatever. Make up your mind; one or the other! Now there are two warnings!
Holyshithwhatthefuckbarbequeoverkill? Is that really necessary? The little 14A in the corner means something, and it isn't nearly as obtrusive, so there's no need to billboard my TV with a 30 second warning every time Family Guy breaks for commercial. I feel like someone from the CRTC is holding my hand while I watch TV... "Are you sure you want to watch this show?" Fuck you TV regulators. I want blood and violence and sex, if I didn't, then it wouldn't be on TV anyways. I watched Deliverance, every goddamn Rambo movie, and 2 girls 1 cup, damn you - I've seen it all.
Protect the children? Fuck you. I say we desensitize kids as soon as possible. Make them immune to blood and guts and sex, otherwise they end up being whimpering prudes; I guess in a society of pussies, they'll fit in.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Failing at failure
I watched a commercial where a lady, let's call her: "Linda" puts a manikin in her cubicle in order for her to skip out of work to go shopping at wal-mart. This is concerning for a couple of reasons. First, what would happen if you did that and got caught? Yep - that's a firing. Plus, nobody in your office is going to like you for shirking your work, even you happen to avoid getting fired. You would never be able to work with coworkers who don't trust you, and who obviously are under the opinion that you are dispensable enough that you can shrug off a day of work without consequence.
So... yeah uh... Linda... how's the job search going huh? Hmmm.... yeah that sucks, I was wondering how the shopping at wal-mart is going now? Oh! You're not going to wal-mart anymore and you're collecting food stamps because nobody but the strip club will hire your unreliable ass?
Second, what kind of example is advertising setting for the children? (think of the children!!!) This is no way to encourage a society that is lazy enough as it is. Not that the average marketing musketeer gives a rat's ass about motivating a society that pretty much encourages the absolute bare minimum.
What? "Bare minimum"?!?!! Of course your precious hairless chimpanzee baby-child is being taught to work hard! Teachers don't encourage the bare minimum! [link]
My cousin is a primary teacher, and she tells me that they would burn her at the stake like it was Salem in 1692 if she failed one of her kiddies (this is in Canada). I guess no kid sucks enough to fail these days; especially not yours.
North American society is too caught up in the political correctness of making everyone feel good. We're so afraid of taking those little diaper poopers down a couple of pegs and hurting their self-esteem, that we've bred a society that is on the brink of failing to recognize failure. That's a scary thought isn't it? Suddenly, we start pumping out sub-par engineers and professionals with meaningless degrees out of our schools - all because we don't want to fail anyone.
Failing to recognize failure is where the saying "history repeats itself" comes from - I guess there's a pretty good track record for that kind of stuff.
So... yeah uh... Linda... how's the job search going huh? Hmmm.... yeah that sucks, I was wondering how the shopping at wal-mart is going now? Oh! You're not going to wal-mart anymore and you're collecting food stamps because nobody but the strip club will hire your unreliable ass?
Second, what kind of example is advertising setting for the children? (think of the children!!!) This is no way to encourage a society that is lazy enough as it is. Not that the average marketing musketeer gives a rat's ass about motivating a society that pretty much encourages the absolute bare minimum.
What? "Bare minimum"?!?!! Of course your precious hairless chimpanzee baby-child is being taught to work hard! Teachers don't encourage the bare minimum! [link]
My cousin is a primary teacher, and she tells me that they would burn her at the stake like it was Salem in 1692 if she failed one of her kiddies (this is in Canada). I guess no kid sucks enough to fail these days; especially not yours.
North American society is too caught up in the political correctness of making everyone feel good. We're so afraid of taking those little diaper poopers down a couple of pegs and hurting their self-esteem, that we've bred a society that is on the brink of failing to recognize failure. That's a scary thought isn't it? Suddenly, we start pumping out sub-par engineers and professionals with meaningless degrees out of our schools - all because we don't want to fail anyone.
Failing to recognize failure is where the saying "history repeats itself" comes from - I guess there's a pretty good track record for that kind of stuff.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Hiatus
Back from Hiatus. Couple ideas clanking around in the pipe. Place I was in didn't have no proper Internet connectivity (and the people there talk like that too). Nobody reads this anyways. Probably won't matter. I will continue to hate myself for twittering like this.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Fear Mongering
This shit has to stop. Seriously.
All the pharmaceutical commercials. The outrageous media coverage that turns ordinary risk into sensationalism that you'd only find in a horror movie. The guy next door is a killer. Your kid's teacher is a pedophile. Computer games, Marylin Manson, and TV are going to single-handedly turn your kid into Columbine killers, only less successful. The list goes on.
I remember when the Nintendo DS came out, I saw a piece on how the networking and chat capability of the DS would be used by child predators to attract children, I can't remember what network it was, but it surely wasn't what I would consider 'news'. It was like this would be some sort of widespread problem, as if there was some sort of predator lurking on every escalator, of every mall, of every city, just itching to ensnare your hapless child by luring them using the DS. The best part of the of the whole piece was that some idiot mom admitted that she hadn't bothered to read the manual for the DS, and it went on to say that most parents don't educate themselves about the toys they buy for their little bundles of joy. Yeah, real mother of the year candidate right there; you'd think that with all the lead in toys these days, parents would care what their kids play with - guess not. This is a fucking parenting issue, if you're really worried about it, then know where you're goddamn kid is! This shit just fuels paranoia.
And if your kid is a teenager, for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not give them a cell phone. That's just a bullshit excuse for not actually parenting, and it tells your kid that you don't trust them. Yeah, I said it: you're a shitty parent. Don't start bitching, my parents raised me just fine without attaching an electronic umbilical cord. Slacker.
The best TV commercials for fear mongering are drug commercials. Here's a list of symptoms! If you are feeling (choose one): alive or dead, then this drug is for you! The range of symptoms is absolutely ridiculous, drugs these days can cure anything from rabies to leukemia to the common cold... and that's all in just one tiny pill!
Another example of fear mongering are these new stroke commercials from Government of Canada. These are fantastic - they go through a series of symptoms with white block letters on a black background. They blur the words, shake them, spin them, mess with the music, and the commercial finishes off with: "if you experience any of these symptoms, then you may be having a stroke." This is just cause for you to misdiagnose yourself. You know when you stand up really quickly, and you feel dizzy? Yup, that's a stroke. You know when you've been working really hard after a day in the sun, and you didn't have enough to drink, and you feel tired and your vision is a little blurred? Yup, stroke number two. You know when you're underwater and you start speaking, the people around you don't understand what you're saying? Get to a doctor! You're having another stroke! By the standards of what I watch on television, I've had dozens of strokes! Still kicking though... weird.
This is just what we need: whole bunch of idiots diagnosing their own illnesses by watching television and surfing the Internet and trusting Wikipedia as if it were the New England Journal of Medicine. You want to know why you aren't allowed to prescribe yourself pills, even though you Googled all your symptoms and your certain that it's necrotizing fasciitis? It's because you don't have a fucking degree in goddamned medicine! All those years of a doctor's education are totally meaningless now that patients have access to the Internet, I guess this is fantastic news... now that patients are doctors, there isn't a shortage of physicians! Hurray for the Internet!
Governments in general don't help with the fear mongering. They cry: You're not protected! Somebody is gonna getcha! You know who's gonna getcha? Osama! Who can't protect you? Hillary! Run! The Russians are coming! This is bullshit of the highest order. It's not a contest about who is going to make better decisions for the country, it's about scaring more people into voting for you.
When did the human race become a bunch of pussies? Humans built the chunnel... an fucking underwater tunnel! We connected the globe with telecommunications, be it phone or Internet or whatever! We built a space shuttle and space stations! Did you hear that? We went to space! We went to the motherfucking moon! Those sonsabitches had balls! People died in the pursuit of that great endeavour, and we still achieved a feat that has yet to be repeated since 1972. Since when do we live in fear? No, the real question is: why do we live in fear?
All the pharmaceutical commercials. The outrageous media coverage that turns ordinary risk into sensationalism that you'd only find in a horror movie. The guy next door is a killer. Your kid's teacher is a pedophile. Computer games, Marylin Manson, and TV are going to single-handedly turn your kid into Columbine killers, only less successful. The list goes on.
I remember when the Nintendo DS came out, I saw a piece on how the networking and chat capability of the DS would be used by child predators to attract children, I can't remember what network it was, but it surely wasn't what I would consider 'news'. It was like this would be some sort of widespread problem, as if there was some sort of predator lurking on every escalator, of every mall, of every city, just itching to ensnare your hapless child by luring them using the DS. The best part of the of the whole piece was that some idiot mom admitted that she hadn't bothered to read the manual for the DS, and it went on to say that most parents don't educate themselves about the toys they buy for their little bundles of joy. Yeah, real mother of the year candidate right there; you'd think that with all the lead in toys these days, parents would care what their kids play with - guess not. This is a fucking parenting issue, if you're really worried about it, then know where you're goddamn kid is! This shit just fuels paranoia.
And if your kid is a teenager, for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, do not give them a cell phone. That's just a bullshit excuse for not actually parenting, and it tells your kid that you don't trust them. Yeah, I said it: you're a shitty parent. Don't start bitching, my parents raised me just fine without attaching an electronic umbilical cord. Slacker.
The best TV commercials for fear mongering are drug commercials. Here's a list of symptoms! If you are feeling (choose one): alive or dead, then this drug is for you! The range of symptoms is absolutely ridiculous, drugs these days can cure anything from rabies to leukemia to the common cold... and that's all in just one tiny pill!
Another example of fear mongering are these new stroke commercials from Government of Canada. These are fantastic - they go through a series of symptoms with white block letters on a black background. They blur the words, shake them, spin them, mess with the music, and the commercial finishes off with: "if you experience any of these symptoms, then you may be having a stroke." This is just cause for you to misdiagnose yourself. You know when you stand up really quickly, and you feel dizzy? Yup, that's a stroke. You know when you've been working really hard after a day in the sun, and you didn't have enough to drink, and you feel tired and your vision is a little blurred? Yup, stroke number two. You know when you're underwater and you start speaking, the people around you don't understand what you're saying? Get to a doctor! You're having another stroke! By the standards of what I watch on television, I've had dozens of strokes! Still kicking though... weird.
This is just what we need: whole bunch of idiots diagnosing their own illnesses by watching television and surfing the Internet and trusting Wikipedia as if it were the New England Journal of Medicine. You want to know why you aren't allowed to prescribe yourself pills, even though you Googled all your symptoms and your certain that it's necrotizing fasciitis? It's because you don't have a fucking degree in goddamned medicine! All those years of a doctor's education are totally meaningless now that patients have access to the Internet, I guess this is fantastic news... now that patients are doctors, there isn't a shortage of physicians! Hurray for the Internet!
Governments in general don't help with the fear mongering. They cry: You're not protected! Somebody is gonna getcha! You know who's gonna getcha? Osama! Who can't protect you? Hillary! Run! The Russians are coming! This is bullshit of the highest order. It's not a contest about who is going to make better decisions for the country, it's about scaring more people into voting for you.
When did the human race become a bunch of pussies? Humans built the chunnel... an fucking underwater tunnel! We connected the globe with telecommunications, be it phone or Internet or whatever! We built a space shuttle and space stations! Did you hear that? We went to space! We went to the motherfucking moon! Those sonsabitches had balls! People died in the pursuit of that great endeavour, and we still achieved a feat that has yet to be repeated since 1972. Since when do we live in fear? No, the real question is: why do we live in fear?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Responsibility
I am upset with the business of software.
Software is engineering, no matter what a sneering mechanical or chemical engineer might tell you. Software is vital to many systems today, and it plays a critical role in the design of engineering projects in any discipline - for example, using software to model an engine or a bridge. But here's what most civil engineers, or your average electrical engineer ignore: in order for me (a software engineer) to build you a program so you can design a bridge or design testing software for your complex electrical circuits, I need to learn your job. I have no time for your holier than thou attitude - I need to learn fundamental bridge construction engineering principles in order for you to get your modeling software, you cannot deny that. Obviously, I will never be as skilled as you in your ability or have the firmest grasp of your discipline's principles, but you can't tell me that I don't have to learn about mechanical engineering if I am designing a 3D CAD modeling system that you are going to use to design pistons and crankshafts for Honda, Ford, or Delorean.
In this regard, I have all the time in the world to argue with a stubborn mechie who thinks that the conduct of creating and building a piece of software is much like a marijuana grow op in some high school flunkie's basement. Most people figure you just need the right tools (grow lamps and some water or a text editor and a compiler) and you poke around with it or tend to your plants every once in a while, and voila, a home grown software project! Yes, I will admit any idiot can write software; and yes, any idiot can buy the right tools; and yes, even an idiot can build an interesting and useful software project, whether it be homegrown or not.
But there are at least hundreds upon thousands of failed software projects. Hell, there are more than thousands of failed engineering projects. But failure isn't simple enough, no, some of these failures are catastrophic. And no engineering discipline is exempt from catastrophic failure.
You know which one's I'm talking about: http://www.matscieng.sunysb.edu/disaster/ how about the software realm? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Software_engineering_disasters
Check out Therac-25 if you've never heard about it. Let me sum it up for you: people fucking died. If that isn't reason enough to convince people that designing a piece of software is actually a form of engineering, then I have no idea. Ariane 5? Mars Polar Lander? Millions of dollars anyone, if not billions?
But, that's not the point of this article... no... the title reads: "Responsibility"
You've probably noticed the License Agreements you agree to when you install a new progam on your computer. Those basically say this: "don't sue us now or ever, no matter what damage our software may cause." And that, my simple-minded friend, does not fly in engineering.
Yeah, I agree that buddy's home grown text editor software should probably have a license like that. But take for example, a small business owner buys my software package for his point of sale computer, let's say it's a word processor. But because I'm a shitty software engineer, I leave bugs all over the place, and they overwrite all his data on his point of sale computer, costing him let's say tens of thousands of dollars that day, because his server only backs up to tape every midnight. But because he agreed that I am not responsible for anything that happens, even if my shoddy code attracts a meteor and kills all his employees, or that the bugs I left behind are not responsible for erasing all his data, I am off the hook.
Software is engineering, no matter what a sneering mechanical or chemical engineer might tell you. Software is vital to many systems today, and it plays a critical role in the design of engineering projects in any discipline - for example, using software to model an engine or a bridge. But here's what most civil engineers, or your average electrical engineer ignore: in order for me (a software engineer) to build you a program so you can design a bridge or design testing software for your complex electrical circuits, I need to learn your job. I have no time for your holier than thou attitude - I need to learn fundamental bridge construction engineering principles in order for you to get your modeling software, you cannot deny that. Obviously, I will never be as skilled as you in your ability or have the firmest grasp of your discipline's principles, but you can't tell me that I don't have to learn about mechanical engineering if I am designing a 3D CAD modeling system that you are going to use to design pistons and crankshafts for Honda, Ford, or Delorean.
In this regard, I have all the time in the world to argue with a stubborn mechie who thinks that the conduct of creating and building a piece of software is much like a marijuana grow op in some high school flunkie's basement. Most people figure you just need the right tools (grow lamps and some water or a text editor and a compiler) and you poke around with it or tend to your plants every once in a while, and voila, a home grown software project! Yes, I will admit any idiot can write software; and yes, any idiot can buy the right tools; and yes, even an idiot can build an interesting and useful software project, whether it be homegrown or not.
But there are at least hundreds upon thousands of failed software projects. Hell, there are more than thousands of failed engineering projects. But failure isn't simple enough, no, some of these failures are catastrophic. And no engineering discipline is exempt from catastrophic failure.
You know which one's I'm talking about: http://www.matscieng.sunysb.edu/disaster/ how about the software realm? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Software_engineering_disasters
Check out Therac-25 if you've never heard about it. Let me sum it up for you: people fucking died. If that isn't reason enough to convince people that designing a piece of software is actually a form of engineering, then I have no idea. Ariane 5? Mars Polar Lander? Millions of dollars anyone, if not billions?
But, that's not the point of this article... no... the title reads: "Responsibility"
You've probably noticed the License Agreements you agree to when you install a new progam on your computer. Those basically say this: "don't sue us now or ever, no matter what damage our software may cause." And that, my simple-minded friend, does not fly in engineering.
Yeah, I agree that buddy's home grown text editor software should probably have a license like that. But take for example, a small business owner buys my software package for his point of sale computer, let's say it's a word processor. But because I'm a shitty software engineer, I leave bugs all over the place, and they overwrite all his data on his point of sale computer, costing him let's say tens of thousands of dollars that day, because his server only backs up to tape every midnight. But because he agreed that I am not responsible for anything that happens, even if my shoddy code attracts a meteor and kills all his employees, or that the bugs I left behind are not responsible for erasing all his data, I am off the hook.
For some reason, this sickens me to no end. Primarily, we (as a society) should not allow engineers, to get off the hook when it comes to botching a project. At the same time, we can't hold Joe Programmer accountable because he has a diploma in computer science from his community college. However, Joe Programmer is trying to make money, so there should be some responsibility that lies with a company that sells a product/services, whether it be software or whatever. So there is this sort of imbalance: on one hand, we can hold engineers (engineers specifically, because of their professional obligation) responsible, but on the other, we can't hold this guy responsible, even though the services he renders suck.
The other end of the spectrum is users, and the things that they do with software that an engineer does not control. Let's say for example, Joe writes some software to control a little robotic arm. Fred Nonprogrammer decides this is ideal and cost effective for some project he's working on. So Fred decides to use the control chip and the software for his project, which happens to be a robotic arm for some space station. Should this software have a glitch, who would be held responsible? Fred of course, for using the software that wasn't originally intended for the application in which he used it. Now this makes sense, however, I find it is still a touchy subject, because I'm sure some lawyer could wiggle Fred's way out of responsibility for the failure. So let's say for example, that Joe Programmer is in fact an engineer this time, and he now has a professional obligation to do his duty as an engineer, does he then become responsible because he sold his crappy software to Fred?
I hope you see the dilemma(s) here. Where does the responsibility lie with software engineers? Where do we draw the line? If we (as softies) don't tackle this issue, then we will be doomed to ridicule from other engineers until we do. There need to be some pretty clear guidelines put in place for the profession of software engineering, if we want to be referred to as a profession.
Here's what I propose: companies that want to sell software must scrutinize their product before it hits the shelves. They must have a software engineer sign off on the product such that responsibility lies with the company, should the product fail in a disastrous fashion. This protects the consumer from buying crappy goods, and would also improve the overall industry by forcing them to meet standards and quality quidelines. However, I don't think the game industry should have to face the same scrutiny as car manufacturers, because no one is going to die if your computer game crashes and you lose your savegames. The same goes with unintended consequences, if Freddy Nonprogrammer uses your software for some purpose for which it was not meant, or changes the configuration to something that is unreasonable, then the company/engineer cannot be held responsible.
Maybe this is unrealistic, as this would probably triple the cost of your average computer program, and the lines that I have drawn inside my head on what the regulations would be, and how you would regulate and enforce such a system, are still pretty blurry. But if software engineers want to be taken seriously, then the business of engineering software must start taking itself seriously and accept the responsibility that goes along with engineering.
Friday, February 15, 2008
N's Story
Now, I don't attend many cocktail parties, especially not in the town that I currently live in, but I do have a story that I recount whilst enjoying an alcoholic beverage around a table of good, or maybe even slightly mediocre company.
In my final year of university, my friend, N, finds himself a girlfriend. This, is good news for N, as he was on a downward spiral into an addiction to video games, board games, and sadly, dungeons and dragons [at this point in the story, I pause for gasps or yelps of terror]. N needed to get laid - and he did. Things were looking up. Now I can't say I enjoyed his girlfriend's company or her attitude, demeanour, or personality, however, I figured that the pros outweighed the cons, even if she seemed a little slutty and/or high maintenance. Remember, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
Somewhere between 2 or 3 weeks into his newfound relationship, we found ourselves at the day before his birthday, which happens to be smack in the middle of exams. I am sitting with some friends in the cafeteria, and she approaches us and asks: "Are you guys doing anything tomorrow for N's birthday?" To which I reply: "Nothing is planned, we really should get together and do something..." I reply. She promptly leaves without argument.
The next day, N's birthday, in the afternoon, I decide that since no one has done anything to plan for his birthday, that we should just do something short notice and low key, remember we are in the middle of exams, so I decide to take over the planning portion of this event. I poll some of my friends and ask them if they would be able to attend a last minute dinner at a local pub, I mention that those who wish are welcome to stay out late and drink till we drop.
Due to the conversation I had with N's girlfriend the day before, I decide to let N in on the plan - at this point, there's really no need for surprise. I ask him if this is OK; and he does not object to my plan thus far. I start calling every mutual friend I know and get the ball rolling to make this event happen.
After all the planning is over, all the guests are confirmed. I decide to relax and take care of a couple things, I head off to the shower, and then proceed with filing my taxes wearing nothing but a towel (due to the miracle of the internet, one can enjoy filing one's taxes in such a fashion).
Halfway through cheating the government out of their hard earned cash, I hear a heavy knock on my dorm door. I answer. She is there. She begins to rant. She has also brought some moral support in the form of her friend, who stands slightly behind her to the left, nodding like an idiot, arms crossed.
Her tirade begins: "What do you think you're doing?" I give her a puzzled look. Pause. Blink. Pause. I look down at my towel quickly, thinking: do I have an erection or something? "What do you think you're doing?!?!?" she shrieks.
"I can't believe you didn't ask me what was going on with N. I asked you guys last night. You knew I had something planned and you ruined it. You ruined everything!" Moral Support Chick, still nodding like an idiot. Her list of grievances goes on and on, and she has continually raised her voice and is genuinely angry and upset, and she the pace of her speech is akin to an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and in my opinion, she is being totally unreasonable.
At this point, I am highly uncomfortable, I am wearing a dark green towel... and I was just doing my taxes. I can tell you now, that a man is never more vulnerable than when he is wearing nothing more than a towel and shower sandals while working on his taxes, and being accosted by a buddy's irate girlfriend. But at the same time I am in no position to slam the door in her face or wave my genitals at her and tell her to get lost. N is my friend, and I'm not going to ruin a good thing that's going for him.
She continues her angry rant and I interrupt her, stating my case: "Well, I asked N. It's his birthday isn't it? He OK'ed it! What do you want from me? You didn't tell me anything last night, you asked a fucking question! Then I told you nothing was in the works, but that we should get something together... that's exactly what I did!"
She backpedals angrily: "Well, I would think that you knew better, you should have known that I was planning something when I asked you that." More idiotic nods and a murmur of approval from MS chick, as MS friend's arms uncross and she places her hands on her hips in order to affirm her friend's obvious moral superiority.
"I can't possibly be expected to know what you're thinki- "
"Well, whenever you plan something for a friend's birthday, ask the girlfriend first." With this, I am fuming - this is ridiculous, I would hardly consider them a couple... they've been dating no... fucking for maybe... just maybe 3 weeks now. But I hold my tongue - I can't do this to N. Not now. He needs this more than I ever will.
Then the levee breaks. She says, and I quote: "Look, I don't know if this is some sort of conspiracy with your friends to break us up or sabotage our relationship, but I'm not going to fight you guys for him." With that, all the alarm bells are going off now - git the tranquilizers! We've got ourselves a crazy! 3 weeks. 3 weeks of dating... and you're going to 'fight us for him'? Really? "Sabotage"? Really? "Conspiracy"? Really?
Before I can recover from my shock, awe, confusion, and the hatred brewing in the back of my mind towards the absolutely ridiculous filth she has spewed forth. She has turned and gone. I stand there holding my towel in one hand and grasping the door with the other, too stunned to act. I hear the tell-tale sound of an instant message on my computer. When I check the message, it's from my friend Ben on the floor above. He has obviously heard everything and he writes: "hey man, do you want some backup?"
In my final year of university, my friend, N, finds himself a girlfriend. This, is good news for N, as he was on a downward spiral into an addiction to video games, board games, and sadly, dungeons and dragons [at this point in the story, I pause for gasps or yelps of terror]. N needed to get laid - and he did. Things were looking up. Now I can't say I enjoyed his girlfriend's company or her attitude, demeanour, or personality, however, I figured that the pros outweighed the cons, even if she seemed a little slutty and/or high maintenance. Remember, you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
Somewhere between 2 or 3 weeks into his newfound relationship, we found ourselves at the day before his birthday, which happens to be smack in the middle of exams. I am sitting with some friends in the cafeteria, and she approaches us and asks: "Are you guys doing anything tomorrow for N's birthday?" To which I reply: "Nothing is planned, we really should get together and do something..." I reply. She promptly leaves without argument.
The next day, N's birthday, in the afternoon, I decide that since no one has done anything to plan for his birthday, that we should just do something short notice and low key, remember we are in the middle of exams, so I decide to take over the planning portion of this event. I poll some of my friends and ask them if they would be able to attend a last minute dinner at a local pub, I mention that those who wish are welcome to stay out late and drink till we drop.
Due to the conversation I had with N's girlfriend the day before, I decide to let N in on the plan - at this point, there's really no need for surprise. I ask him if this is OK; and he does not object to my plan thus far. I start calling every mutual friend I know and get the ball rolling to make this event happen.
After all the planning is over, all the guests are confirmed. I decide to relax and take care of a couple things, I head off to the shower, and then proceed with filing my taxes wearing nothing but a towel (due to the miracle of the internet, one can enjoy filing one's taxes in such a fashion).
Halfway through cheating the government out of their hard earned cash, I hear a heavy knock on my dorm door. I answer. She is there. She begins to rant. She has also brought some moral support in the form of her friend, who stands slightly behind her to the left, nodding like an idiot, arms crossed.
Her tirade begins: "What do you think you're doing?" I give her a puzzled look. Pause. Blink. Pause. I look down at my towel quickly, thinking: do I have an erection or something? "What do you think you're doing?!?!?" she shrieks.
"I can't believe you didn't ask me what was going on with N. I asked you guys last night. You knew I had something planned and you ruined it. You ruined everything!" Moral Support Chick, still nodding like an idiot. Her list of grievances goes on and on, and she has continually raised her voice and is genuinely angry and upset, and she the pace of her speech is akin to an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and in my opinion, she is being totally unreasonable.
At this point, I am highly uncomfortable, I am wearing a dark green towel... and I was just doing my taxes. I can tell you now, that a man is never more vulnerable than when he is wearing nothing more than a towel and shower sandals while working on his taxes, and being accosted by a buddy's irate girlfriend. But at the same time I am in no position to slam the door in her face or wave my genitals at her and tell her to get lost. N is my friend, and I'm not going to ruin a good thing that's going for him.
She continues her angry rant and I interrupt her, stating my case: "Well, I asked N. It's his birthday isn't it? He OK'ed it! What do you want from me? You didn't tell me anything last night, you asked a fucking question! Then I told you nothing was in the works, but that we should get something together... that's exactly what I did!"
She backpedals angrily: "Well, I would think that you knew better, you should have known that I was planning something when I asked you that." More idiotic nods and a murmur of approval from MS chick, as MS friend's arms uncross and she places her hands on her hips in order to affirm her friend's obvious moral superiority.
"I can't possibly be expected to know what you're thinki- "
"Well, whenever you plan something for a friend's birthday, ask the girlfriend first." With this, I am fuming - this is ridiculous, I would hardly consider them a couple... they've been dating no... fucking for maybe... just maybe 3 weeks now. But I hold my tongue - I can't do this to N. Not now. He needs this more than I ever will.
Then the levee breaks. She says, and I quote: "Look, I don't know if this is some sort of conspiracy with your friends to break us up or sabotage our relationship, but I'm not going to fight you guys for him." With that, all the alarm bells are going off now - git the tranquilizers! We've got ourselves a crazy! 3 weeks. 3 weeks of dating... and you're going to 'fight us for him'? Really? "Sabotage"? Really? "Conspiracy"? Really?
Before I can recover from my shock, awe, confusion, and the hatred brewing in the back of my mind towards the absolutely ridiculous filth she has spewed forth. She has turned and gone. I stand there holding my towel in one hand and grasping the door with the other, too stunned to act. I hear the tell-tale sound of an instant message on my computer. When I check the message, it's from my friend Ben on the floor above. He has obviously heard everything and he writes: "hey man, do you want some backup?"
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Engineering sucks
Here I was, 'twas getting late – not only in the evening – but also for my 4th year university software engineering project to be finished. Like all software engineering projects, I am behind schedule – except there is no extension on this one. Whatever is done by the deadline is what I hand in. I am working with a piece of software known as Microsoft Visual Studio, which works, even though it and I have some ‘misunderstandings’. I find myself trying to compile my program, which happens to be a browser helper object (a.k.a. a plug-in for Internet Explorer), and receiving an error message. Fair enough.
Error messages happen all the time. Syntax errors. Math errors. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. You fix the problem and you move on. That’s soft eng for you: code, then fix. Repeat as necessary. This particular error message was somewhat troubling: it was a compiler/linker error. So what happens when you get an error like this? You Google it. This is how things get done in software engineering: Google the error code or error message and find yourself a quick fix, and it doesn’t take a differential diagnosis or theoretical physicist to add up this little equation: 1) I don’t have time, 2) I don’t care what the problem is, or rather, what the correct solution is, and 3) someone has probably already had this problem before, and so therefore: the answer is out there somewhere on the Internet. QED, the Google will have my answer.
A quick search of the trouble codes yields an explanation of said error, on the Microsoft documentation web site for Visual Studio of course. Apparently, I need administrator access in order to perform said operation. That’s funny, because I am pretty certain that I installed this operating system, and I am also pretty certain that I am logged in as the administrator. The explanation is creatively unhelpful – as if someone wrote the explanation in order to reverse thousands of years of evolution and the entire progress of technical human knowledge. So at this point I do not feel like actually solving the problem because I don’t really care, and I certainly don’t want to figure out what I am actually doing wrong – I just want a hack that will make this go away, because the technical documents are making me ill - or maybe I am overdosing on caffeine.
Like I said: Code. Then Fix.
No worries though. There is one thing that will always get you out of this mess. Google. But I suppose I already mentioned that. So here we go again: same search, except I append “administrator privileges” to the error code. This is almost guaranteed to work, and I’m willing to bet a couple percent on it. Jackpot. In the search results is a link to the MSDN Forums. As I read the first post, I realize that this guy has the same problem as me: “[error message number 12345NN4321 blah blah… I already have administrator privileges]” this is good, I think, so I keep reading. Scroll down a little further to the next post… success? No. This is the best part. The guy who posts this little gem says (and this is almost word for word): “Sounds like you need administrator privileges!”
Ho-ly shit. I lost it. Not only had this guy had not said anything useful, nor did he tell us anything that we did not already know, but he had so much respect for his fellow software developer that he didn’t even read his post! You have to be a pretty shitty human being to be asked a question, and then answer by stating a fact that was in the question itself.
Q: "What is 2+2?"
A: "Sounds to me like you're adding!"
Uhh... what... the fuck? What are you? Are you the paper clip from office parroting back what I already know?
I couldn't help but think to myself: “Over here! I found another one Jim! He raises his kids to talk in the movie theater, fart in the elevator and shit in the public pool!” And I bet this guy sleeps like a baby at night, when instead he should be fearing for his life, because he doesn't know that he might not make it past getting dressed without killing himself.
Yes, I had found one. Another failed human being. This one’s an engineer.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Competition, your personal information, and targeted ads - and why you shouldn't care
I stumbled across this slashdot headline recently:
Microsoft Buys Search Engine, Going After Google?
Made me think. Made me think more than usual... I'm usually thinking that is. And this, is what I thought:
Of course Microsoft is going after Google! Are you retarded? It's called competition moron. That's what businesses do - they fucking compete. I would spell it out for you, but I would just be insulting your intelligence (it's spelled M-O-N-E-Y you idiot). I'm really sick of all the conspiracy theories regarding Microsoft or Google or whoever. Every time there's a merger/buyout/takeover (the recent Microsoft purchase of a chunk of Facebook comes to mind) people cry foul because there's another giant monolith plotting to take over the world... and do what exactly?
Oh shit no! They're going to get a hold of your personal information! Holy blaspheming Jesus! But what the fuck is personal information exactly, and what are they going to do with it? Personally, I don't really care - I highly doubt that Microsoft is going to send me a door-to-door salesman (when was the last time Ballmer tried to sell you Girl Guide cookies?), and what the fuck would they gain by breaking the law and stealing my identity? Maybe they'll get my bank account numbers and pay off my bills for me... that would be neat. As for my personal info "falling into the wrong hands", I'm willing to take that risk - it's not a briefcase full of nuclear launch codes, not that I would know how to activate a nuclear-fucking-launch-code if it "fell into my hands". I mean seriously, I'm not worried about the Google dudes stealing my identity, and subsequently, stealing my girlfriend (the one that doesn't exist remember?).
Seriously though... what are you so fucking worried about? They can have it all - the more information they have the better! Here you go, have my file, now you know everything there is to know about me... no secrets, nothing to hide. Now what?
Oh shit no! Targeted ads? What have I done?!? Why has this evil befallen me? I gave them all my info, and now advertisers target me! Good. Brilliant. I love targeted ads - they're fucking genius - I don't need another damnable tampon commercial to ever grace (on second thought, grace is the wrong word here) my high definition television again (if only I could be so fortunate, that would be like winning the lottery, only better). You know what's good about targeted ads? They work... they fucking work. That means that I can get my greedy little hands on the products that I really need.
So as far as targeted ads go and collecting my personal information goes, please do. At the very least if I forget who I am, I can just call Microsoft or Facebook and ask them for my personality back.
Microsoft Buys Search Engine, Going After Google?
Made me think. Made me think more than usual... I'm usually thinking that is. And this, is what I thought:
Of course Microsoft is going after Google! Are you retarded? It's called competition moron. That's what businesses do - they fucking compete. I would spell it out for you, but I would just be insulting your intelligence (it's spelled M-O-N-E-Y you idiot). I'm really sick of all the conspiracy theories regarding Microsoft or Google or whoever. Every time there's a merger/buyout/takeover (the recent Microsoft purchase of a chunk of Facebook comes to mind) people cry foul because there's another giant monolith plotting to take over the world... and do what exactly?
Oh shit no! They're going to get a hold of your personal information! Holy blaspheming Jesus! But what the fuck is personal information exactly, and what are they going to do with it? Personally, I don't really care - I highly doubt that Microsoft is going to send me a door-to-door salesman (when was the last time Ballmer tried to sell you Girl Guide cookies?), and what the fuck would they gain by breaking the law and stealing my identity? Maybe they'll get my bank account numbers and pay off my bills for me... that would be neat. As for my personal info "falling into the wrong hands", I'm willing to take that risk - it's not a briefcase full of nuclear launch codes, not that I would know how to activate a nuclear-fucking-launch-code if it "fell into my hands". I mean seriously, I'm not worried about the Google dudes stealing my identity, and subsequently, stealing my girlfriend (the one that doesn't exist remember?).
Seriously though... what are you so fucking worried about? They can have it all - the more information they have the better! Here you go, have my file, now you know everything there is to know about me... no secrets, nothing to hide. Now what?
Oh shit no! Targeted ads? What have I done?!? Why has this evil befallen me? I gave them all my info, and now advertisers target me! Good. Brilliant. I love targeted ads - they're fucking genius - I don't need another damnable tampon commercial to ever grace (on second thought, grace is the wrong word here) my high definition television again (if only I could be so fortunate, that would be like winning the lottery, only better). You know what's good about targeted ads? They work... they fucking work. That means that I can get my greedy little hands on the products that I really need.
So as far as targeted ads go and collecting my personal information goes, please do. At the very least if I forget who I am, I can just call Microsoft or Facebook and ask them for my personality back.
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