Competition, your personal information, and targeted ads - and why you shouldn't care

I stumbled across this slashdot headline recently:

Microsoft Buys Search Engine, Going After Google?

Made me think. Made me think more than usual... I'm usually thinking that is. And this, is what I thought:

Of course Microsoft is going after Google! Are you retarded? It's called competition moron. That's what businesses do - they fucking compete. I would spell it out for you, but I would just be insulting your intelligence (it's spelled M-O-N-E-Y you idiot). I'm really sick of all the conspiracy theories regarding Microsoft or Google or whoever. Every time there's a merger/buyout/takeover (the recent Microsoft purchase of a chunk of Facebook comes to mind) people cry foul because there's another giant monolith plotting to take over the world... and do what exactly?

Oh shit no! They're going to get a hold of your personal information! Holy blaspheming Jesus! But what the fuck is personal information exactly, and what are they going to do with it? Personally, I don't really care - I highly doubt that Microsoft is going to send me a door-to-door salesman (when was the last time Ballmer tried to sell you Girl Guide cookies?), and what the fuck would they gain by breaking the law and stealing my identity? Maybe they'll get my bank account numbers and pay off my bills for me... that would be neat. As for my personal info "falling into the wrong hands", I'm willing to take that risk - it's not a briefcase full of nuclear launch codes, not that I would know how to activate a nuclear-fucking-launch-code if it "fell into my hands". I mean seriously, I'm not worried about the Google dudes stealing my identity, and subsequently, stealing my girlfriend (the one that doesn't exist remember?).

Seriously though... what are you so fucking worried about? They can have it all - the more information they have the better! Here you go, have my file, now you know everything there is to know about me... no secrets, nothing to hide. Now what?

Oh shit no! Targeted ads? What have I done?!? Why has this evil befallen me? I gave them all my info, and now advertisers target me! Good. Brilliant. I love targeted ads - they're fucking genius - I don't need another damnable tampon commercial to ever grace (on second thought, grace is the wrong word here) my high definition television again (if only I could be so fortunate, that would be like winning the lottery, only better). You know what's good about targeted ads? They work... they fucking work. That means that I can get my greedy little hands on the products that I really need.

So as far as targeted ads go and collecting my personal information goes, please do. At the very least if I forget who I am, I can just call Microsoft or Facebook and ask them for my personality back.