The following is my open letter to TSN personality Jay Onrait. Here's his bio. Although, I suggest you avoid it, lest you see his goofy smirk that will make you cringe as if you were watching a bicycle accident.
Dear Mr. Jay Onrait,
It's no surprise that you normally fill the late night slot for Sportscentre, it certainly has the least audience viewing - either that, or the people watching at that time are too tired to care who does their sports announcing, because quite honestly, Mr. Onrait, you are the worst announcer on SC.
Lately though, Mr. Onrait, you have been gracing more and more daytime slots on SC. Now normally, I turn on TSN to catch SC and the previous day's scoreboard when I get up in the morning and make myself some delightful breakfast. The last thing I want to hear when I get up is your shrieking voice spouting off poorly executed, or at best, plain-old bad jokes. This infuriates me. How can I possibly start my day like this? It eats away at me and I struggle to get my groove back before I get to work.
I am quite surprised that while watching SC about a week ago, there was a Jay Onrait *ahem* "Fan Club" at the Jays game. Either a) this is a joke and they are mocking you, or b) these people are totally out of touch with reality. I'm going to go with option a.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter, please read it on the air, so that all may hear how terrible you really are. It also means a lot to me that you, yourself, understand how awful you are. Stay out of my television.
Thank you and good day to you sir.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Stupid Protests
Ahhh... protests. Using your so-called 'right' to free speech.
Here's a new classic: Activists help condo owner fight eviction [Boston Globe]
Synopsis: Boston lady can't make mortgage payments, lender decides to foreclose, community protests foreclosure, lender backs off... giving her a 30-day grace period.
These idiotic protestors bitch out the U.S. government for bailing out 'the big guys', i.e. banks. Well, Defaulting-on-your-mortgage-crazy-lady, maybe that's because if all the banks start filing bankruptcy, then your country's entire economic structure will crumble, which will then lead to a whole bunch more people out on their ass in the streets - not just you. This is a simple utilitarian principle, do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And you, my dear crazy-lady, are not the greatest number.
Why do people join protests that attempt to protect stupidity? This woman is not fiscally responsible. Do I need to repeat that? She. Can't. Pay. Her. Mortgage. These same people will go home feeling great that they helped the little guy out, and bitch about their taxpayer dollars going to deadbeat welfare recipients. Don't protect stupidity! How is this woman any different? She's about to learn a very harsh, but also very important lesson. In 30 days when her bank's leniency runs out, she's going to learn an important lesson.
Related lesson: I end up going to the movie theater with two friends. Friend #1 decides to get food at the food court. I lean over to friend #2, and say: "Watch this, [he]'s about to learn an important lesson." Everyone knows that movie theaters don't take kindly to bringing your own goody bag into the movies. Did I stop him? As friend #1 gets ejected from the movies for trying to smuggle in his delicious contraband, I have a good chuckle at his expense, thinking: "told ya so."
Did I protect his stupidity? No. Did he learn an important lesson? He sure did. Harsh, but important. I consider my inaction a complete success.
The people who don't learn are the ones that piss me off. I get a kick out of seeing protests in the news, because I know, normally, that someone gets a good beat down. And god-damn, do I ever love watching a one-sided UFC match between a cop with riot gear and a taser in hand, and a skinny patchouli wearing hippie using a misspelled cardboard sign as a shield!
Olympics in China. No matter how hard you tantrum, I'm sorry Professor Asshat, they are still going to happen. Sure, the condition of human *ahem* rights in China is awful. But let's be realistic here. They won't going to cancel the Olympics because you stole the Olympic torch. No, no, my activist (whatever the fuck that word means) friends - I mean, honestly, it's the fucking Olympics - the show must go on. That's the bottom line. This is a show. And not only that, it's a show of the 'cash cow' variety. Those corporate monsters will taser your stupid ass into cardiac arrest to make money entertaining the masses (and how!).
No matter how many times Bono shakes his fist and demands that governments do more for the plight of Africa, it's not going to have much of an effect. I think people might be more responsive if he changed his name to George, got rid of his diamond-encrusted-welding-mask-sized-glasses, and gathered some experts (doctors, lawyers, politicians and political analysts, engineers, military advisors, social workers, health workers, and a variety of other professionals) and put together a working group that comes up with a realistic, acheivable, long-term plan that addresses the problem instead of demanding that every richer-than-Africa country throw money hand over fist at a problem and hoping for a different outcome than last time.
So stop protesting stupid shit. At least for the sake of my blood pressure. God I hate writing about Bono. That guy makes me sick.
Here's a new classic: Activists help condo owner fight eviction [Boston Globe]
Synopsis: Boston lady can't make mortgage payments, lender decides to foreclose, community protests foreclosure, lender backs off... giving her a 30-day grace period.
These idiotic protestors bitch out the U.S. government for bailing out 'the big guys', i.e. banks. Well, Defaulting-on-your-mortgage-crazy-lady, maybe that's because if all the banks start filing bankruptcy, then your country's entire economic structure will crumble, which will then lead to a whole bunch more people out on their ass in the streets - not just you. This is a simple utilitarian principle, do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And you, my dear crazy-lady, are not the greatest number.
Why do people join protests that attempt to protect stupidity? This woman is not fiscally responsible. Do I need to repeat that? She. Can't. Pay. Her. Mortgage. These same people will go home feeling great that they helped the little guy out, and bitch about their taxpayer dollars going to deadbeat welfare recipients. Don't protect stupidity! How is this woman any different? She's about to learn a very harsh, but also very important lesson. In 30 days when her bank's leniency runs out, she's going to learn an important lesson.
Related lesson: I end up going to the movie theater with two friends. Friend #1 decides to get food at the food court. I lean over to friend #2, and say: "Watch this, [he]'s about to learn an important lesson." Everyone knows that movie theaters don't take kindly to bringing your own goody bag into the movies. Did I stop him? As friend #1 gets ejected from the movies for trying to smuggle in his delicious contraband, I have a good chuckle at his expense, thinking: "told ya so."
Did I protect his stupidity? No. Did he learn an important lesson? He sure did. Harsh, but important. I consider my inaction a complete success.
The people who don't learn are the ones that piss me off. I get a kick out of seeing protests in the news, because I know, normally, that someone gets a good beat down. And god-damn, do I ever love watching a one-sided UFC match between a cop with riot gear and a taser in hand, and a skinny patchouli wearing hippie using a misspelled cardboard sign as a shield!
Olympics in China. No matter how hard you tantrum, I'm sorry Professor Asshat, they are still going to happen. Sure, the condition of human *ahem* rights in China is awful. But let's be realistic here. They won't going to cancel the Olympics because you stole the Olympic torch. No, no, my activist (whatever the fuck that word means) friends - I mean, honestly, it's the fucking Olympics - the show must go on. That's the bottom line. This is a show. And not only that, it's a show of the 'cash cow' variety. Those corporate monsters will taser your stupid ass into cardiac arrest to make money entertaining the masses (and how!).
No matter how many times Bono shakes his fist and demands that governments do more for the plight of Africa, it's not going to have much of an effect. I think people might be more responsive if he changed his name to George, got rid of his diamond-encrusted-welding-mask-sized-glasses, and gathered some experts (doctors, lawyers, politicians and political analysts, engineers, military advisors, social workers, health workers, and a variety of other professionals) and put together a working group that comes up with a realistic, acheivable, long-term plan that addresses the problem instead of demanding that every richer-than-Africa country throw money hand over fist at a problem and hoping for a different outcome than last time.
So stop protesting stupid shit. At least for the sake of my blood pressure. God I hate writing about Bono. That guy makes me sick.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Television Warnings
Here's another nanny state alert: goddamn motherfucking warnings before a television show and after commercials when the show resumes (I live in Canada). This pisses me off to no end. They put these on after every commercial break, and then they fucking read it to me. This... has to stop. Please... it's just irritating. Who makes these asinine rules? And who are they trying to protect?
"The following program contains nudity, sexuality, and course language. Viewer discretion is advised."
Studies have shown the children who witness the above warning message continue watching 100% of the time. That message attracts kids to TV like lint to my navel. The thing that bugs me the most is that waaaaay before these post-commercial warnings ever started popping up on the airwaves they had a little 'thingie' in the top corner of the show that said: PG, or 14A or whatever. Make up your mind; one or the other! Now there are two warnings!
Holyshithwhatthefuckbarbequeoverkill? Is that really necessary? The little 14A in the corner means something, and it isn't nearly as obtrusive, so there's no need to billboard my TV with a 30 second warning every time Family Guy breaks for commercial. I feel like someone from the CRTC is holding my hand while I watch TV... "Are you sure you want to watch this show?" Fuck you TV regulators. I want blood and violence and sex, if I didn't, then it wouldn't be on TV anyways. I watched Deliverance, every goddamn Rambo movie, and 2 girls 1 cup, damn you - I've seen it all.
Protect the children? Fuck you. I say we desensitize kids as soon as possible. Make them immune to blood and guts and sex, otherwise they end up being whimpering prudes; I guess in a society of pussies, they'll fit in.
Studies have shown the children who witness the above warning message continue watching 100% of the time. That message attracts kids to TV like lint to my navel. The thing that bugs me the most is that waaaaay before these post-commercial warnings ever started popping up on the airwaves they had a little 'thingie' in the top corner of the show that said: PG, or 14A or whatever. Make up your mind; one or the other! Now there are two warnings!
Holyshithwhatthefuckbarbequeoverkill? Is that really necessary? The little 14A in the corner means something, and it isn't nearly as obtrusive, so there's no need to billboard my TV with a 30 second warning every time Family Guy breaks for commercial. I feel like someone from the CRTC is holding my hand while I watch TV... "Are you sure you want to watch this show?" Fuck you TV regulators. I want blood and violence and sex, if I didn't, then it wouldn't be on TV anyways. I watched Deliverance, every goddamn Rambo movie, and 2 girls 1 cup, damn you - I've seen it all.
Protect the children? Fuck you. I say we desensitize kids as soon as possible. Make them immune to blood and guts and sex, otherwise they end up being whimpering prudes; I guess in a society of pussies, they'll fit in.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Failing at failure
I watched a commercial where a lady, let's call her: "Linda" puts a manikin in her cubicle in order for her to skip out of work to go shopping at wal-mart. This is concerning for a couple of reasons. First, what would happen if you did that and got caught? Yep - that's a firing. Plus, nobody in your office is going to like you for shirking your work, even you happen to avoid getting fired. You would never be able to work with coworkers who don't trust you, and who obviously are under the opinion that you are dispensable enough that you can shrug off a day of work without consequence.
So... yeah uh... Linda... how's the job search going huh? Hmmm.... yeah that sucks, I was wondering how the shopping at wal-mart is going now? Oh! You're not going to wal-mart anymore and you're collecting food stamps because nobody but the strip club will hire your unreliable ass?
Second, what kind of example is advertising setting for the children? (think of the children!!!) This is no way to encourage a society that is lazy enough as it is. Not that the average marketing musketeer gives a rat's ass about motivating a society that pretty much encourages the absolute bare minimum.
What? "Bare minimum"?!?!! Of course your precious hairless chimpanzee baby-child is being taught to work hard! Teachers don't encourage the bare minimum! [link]
My cousin is a primary teacher, and she tells me that they would burn her at the stake like it was Salem in 1692 if she failed one of her kiddies (this is in Canada). I guess no kid sucks enough to fail these days; especially not yours.
North American society is too caught up in the political correctness of making everyone feel good. We're so afraid of taking those little diaper poopers down a couple of pegs and hurting their self-esteem, that we've bred a society that is on the brink of failing to recognize failure. That's a scary thought isn't it? Suddenly, we start pumping out sub-par engineers and professionals with meaningless degrees out of our schools - all because we don't want to fail anyone.
Failing to recognize failure is where the saying "history repeats itself" comes from - I guess there's a pretty good track record for that kind of stuff.
So... yeah uh... Linda... how's the job search going huh? Hmmm.... yeah that sucks, I was wondering how the shopping at wal-mart is going now? Oh! You're not going to wal-mart anymore and you're collecting food stamps because nobody but the strip club will hire your unreliable ass?
Second, what kind of example is advertising setting for the children? (think of the children!!!) This is no way to encourage a society that is lazy enough as it is. Not that the average marketing musketeer gives a rat's ass about motivating a society that pretty much encourages the absolute bare minimum.
What? "Bare minimum"?!?!! Of course your precious hairless chimpanzee baby-child is being taught to work hard! Teachers don't encourage the bare minimum! [link]
My cousin is a primary teacher, and she tells me that they would burn her at the stake like it was Salem in 1692 if she failed one of her kiddies (this is in Canada). I guess no kid sucks enough to fail these days; especially not yours.
North American society is too caught up in the political correctness of making everyone feel good. We're so afraid of taking those little diaper poopers down a couple of pegs and hurting their self-esteem, that we've bred a society that is on the brink of failing to recognize failure. That's a scary thought isn't it? Suddenly, we start pumping out sub-par engineers and professionals with meaningless degrees out of our schools - all because we don't want to fail anyone.
Failing to recognize failure is where the saying "history repeats itself" comes from - I guess there's a pretty good track record for that kind of stuff.
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