Subject: DONT PAY THOUSAND FOR SAME SOFTWARE, WE SELL AT ONLY $15-60 FOR ALL SOFTWARES
On 3/2/06, Marya Pandora <gfk1zxx@netcom.com > wrote:
young embarrass suddenly fly, profession motor anything news why.
not speaking prison latter appearance,
edge bad we night my carefully. benefit nothing thus benefit, make taught prison.
different development profession immediate?
fly different am again did, how fascinate young. bought music immediate carefully,
Hi Marya,
Are you trying to sell me something? Because... that is entirely the wrong way to go about it...
First of all.... you gotta lay off the smack.... seriously. How am I supposed to understand what your saying when you type random words on the keyboard?!?
I have some comments for improvement, so first, let's go over the things you did right:
1. Subject line. Marya, you almost had it. but instead of putting an 's' at the end of the word thousand, you put it at the end of software. So your subject line looks like an ESL student wrote it after the first class. Your subject line should have read:
DON'T PAY THOUSANDS FOR THE SAME SOFTWARE, WE SELL AT ONLY $15-60 FOR ALL SOFTWARE
That would have been WAY better. But you were on the right track. Also, don't forget apostophes! They are important when you use contractions, no one is going to take you seriously if you aren't able to make a contraction properly.
So that's about all you got right. Here are the things you did wrong:
1. Well, let's start at the top. Your email address, gfk1zxx@netcom.com. You should probably try to put Marya@sales.netcom.com or something. Because gfk1zxx@netcom.com looks like the email address for a spammer or something. I mean, how is anyone going to take you seriously if you don't have a professional looking email address. I know, it's probably not your fault, and you were probably just assigned that email, but at the next staff meeting, tell your lazy ass boss to tell those lazy ass tech guys to get off their lazy asses and make some professional email addresses for everyone at your company.
2. "young embarrass suddenly fly, profession motor anything news why."
OK Marya, I'm going to have to be frank with you and I'm going to say that this is not a good first sentence.
Why? You forgot to capitalize the first sentence! That's a rookie mistake, don't worry about it, you'll do better next time.
3. OK, nevermind, at least you're consistent with the lack of capitalization. You missed it in every single sentence. If you shift key is broken on your keyboard at work, you have to get that fixed. You just can't go around with a broken shift key, you're going to lose a lot of customers because of a broken shift key, and that's not good for your company.
4. OK Marya, you have to stop talking about 'prison'. It really scares the crap out of some people! Like me! I'm terrified of prison... actually it's not so much prison, it's more of the fact that I don't want to get fucked in the ass. That's the first thing I think of when I hear the word 'prison'. I don't want to get fucked in the ass, do you want to get fucked in the ass, do you? I bet you do you dirty girl...
Oh I'm just kidding Marya. You can use humour too in your sales emails! Humour works really well to sell things. Like beer! They have funny beer commercials, and they sell a lot of beer! Are you starting to see the connection here Marya? There are also other things that sell, like sex! But not painful bum-sex. Try to go easy on the bum-sex ads Marya, unless you are trying to sell lubricant.
5. "different development profession immediate? "
Well Marya, you're going to need some work on asking questions too. It's really a confusing question, and I can see a lot of people aren't going to be asking themselves "different development profession immediate? "
You see Marya, I'm not sure if you're asking if I want to develop a different profession immediately, or if I want different professional development training immediately, or if I want to go to the zoo and throw fecal matter back at the monkeys! You have to make questions that make the reader ask themselves a question.
For example, if I was trying to sell a lubricant (like we were talking about earlier) I would ask a question like this:
Do you want to get fucked in the ass tonight without all that pain and discomfort?
Yes? Then you should try EasySlide Prison Gel!
It won't stop Bubba from pulling your hair out, but it will make those 'morning after' bowel movements a breeze.
Do you see what I did there Marya? I asked a question, then I left what we call a pregnant pause, which is a pause which has significance or meaning. In this case, I used that pause to allow time for the question to sink in and give the reader time to ask him or herself the question.
I also answered the question as if it was a rhetorical question, and added the product name, because the first rule of marketing is to say the product name as early and as often as possible. Everyone who knows anything about marketing a product knows that. If your company doesn't hire any marketers, then how are they going to sell your product? Marketers are hired to create catchy catch-phrases. In fact, I used a catchy catch-phrase in my example, read it again:
It won't stop Bubba from pulling your hair out, but it will make those 'morning after' bowel movements a breeze.
There are several things to note here. First, alliteration. Notice that I used the letter 'B' as the first letter in 4 of the words in that catchy catch-phrase, you can count them: Bubba, but, bowel, and breeze, that adds up to four. Alliteration draws attention to those words in the sentence, and the delivery, both in speech and in text, is much smoother - like those bowel movements! See? There's another one! Also, the catchy catch-phrase clearly gets across what the product will do and what it won't. First, it implies that there will be less pain and discomfort, and the secondary benefit where morning bowel movements will be easier. But it also makes it clear that it can't stop the pain and discomfort caused by hair pulling.
Take this example into consideration when you write your next advertisment.
6. Marya, you have some good words in your email: embarrass, benefit, immediate, fascinate. These are really powerful words, but you failed to use them coherently. You want readers to become customers, and spewing a bunch of words at them isn't going to help your cause.
Also, you mentioned flying, I mean, I like flying as much as the next guy, but: "fly different am again did"??? Seriously, Marya, you have to proofread! It makes all the difference. And your email is so short that it would hardly have taken any time to look over it again. Even the coworker in the next cubicle could quickly read your email to make sure it's ready to send, it's really that simple. You have to work as a team if your company is going to be successful.
Well Marya, that's about all the input I can give right now. I hope you take something away from this, and I hope to hear from you again soon, as well as other offers about software, and flying, maybe even Leprechauns.
Your friend,
observashuns
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