A response to spam

In response to this:

Subject: DONT PAY THOUSAND FOR SAME SOFTWARE, WE SELL AT ONLY $15-60 FOR ALL SOFTWARES

On 3/2/06, Marya Pandora <gfk1zxx@netcom.com > wrote:

young embarrass suddenly fly, profession motor anything news why.
not speaking prison latter appearance,
edge bad we night my carefully. benefit nothing thus benefit, make taught prison.
different development profession immediate?
fly different am again did, how fascinate young. bought music immediate carefully,

Hi Marya,

Are you trying to sell me something? Because... that is entirely the wrong way to go about it...

First of all.... you gotta lay off the smack.... seriously. How am I supposed to understand what your saying when you type random words on the keyboard?!?

I have some comments for improvement, so first, let's go over the things you did right:

1. Subject line. Marya, you almost had it. but instead of putting an 's' at the end of the word thousand, you put it at the end of software. So your subject line looks like an ESL student wrote it after the first class. Your subject line should have read:

DON'T PAY THOUSANDS FOR THE SAME SOFTWARE, WE SELL AT ONLY $15-60 FOR ALL SOFTWARE

That would have been WAY better. But you were on the right track. Also, don't forget apostophes! They are important when you use contractions, no one is going to take you seriously if you aren't able to make a contraction properly.

So that's about all you got right. Here are the things you did wrong:

1. Well, let's start at the top. Your email address, gfk1zxx@netcom.com. You should probably try to put Marya@sales.netcom.com or something. Because gfk1zxx@netcom.com looks like the email address for a spammer or something. I mean, how is anyone going to take you seriously if you don't have a professional looking email address. I know, it's probably not your fault, and you were probably just assigned that email, but at the next staff meeting, tell your lazy ass boss to tell those lazy ass tech guys to get off their lazy asses and make some professional email addresses for everyone at your company.

2. "young embarrass suddenly fly, profession motor anything news why."

OK Marya, I'm going to have to be frank with you and I'm going to say that this is not a good first sentence.

Why? You forgot to capitalize the first sentence! That's a rookie mistake, don't worry about it, you'll do better next time.


3. OK, nevermind, at least you're consistent with the lack of capitalization. You missed it in every single sentence. If you shift key is broken on your keyboard at work, you have to get that fixed. You just can't go around with a broken shift key, you're going to lose a lot of customers because of a broken shift key, and that's not good for your company.


4. OK Marya, you have to stop talking about 'prison'. It really scares the crap out of some people! Like me! I'm terrified of prison... actually it's not so much prison, it's more of the fact that I don't want to get fucked in the ass. That's the first thing I think of when I hear the word 'prison'. I don't want to get fucked in the ass, do you want to get fucked in the ass, do you? I bet you do you dirty girl...

Oh I'm just kidding Marya. You can use humour too in your sales emails! Humour works really well to sell things. Like beer! They have funny beer commercials, and they sell a lot of beer! Are you starting to see the connection here Marya? There are also other things that sell, like sex! But not painful bum-sex. Try to go easy on the bum-sex ads Marya, unless you are trying to sell lubricant.

5. "different development profession immediate? "

Well Marya, you're going to need some work on asking questions too. It's really a confusing question, and I can see a lot of people aren't going to be asking themselves "different development profession immediate? "

You see Marya, I'm not sure if you're asking if I want to develop a different profession immediately, or if I want different professional development training immediately, or if I want to go to the zoo and throw fecal matter back at the monkeys! You have to make questions that make the reader ask themselves a question.

For example, if I was trying to sell a lubricant (like we were talking about earlier) I would ask a question like this:


Do you want to get fucked in the ass tonight without all that pain and discomfort?

Yes? Then you should try EasySlide Prison Gel!
It won't stop Bubba from pulling your hair out, but it will make those 'morning after' bowel movements a breeze.


Do you see what I did there Marya? I asked a question, then I left what we call a pregnant pause, which is a pause which has significance or meaning. In this case, I used that pause to allow time for the question to sink in and give the reader time to ask him or herself the question.

I also answered the question as if it was a rhetorical question, and added the product name, because the first rule of marketing is to say the product name as early and as often as possible. Everyone who knows anything about marketing a product knows that. If your company doesn't hire any marketers, then how are they going to sell your product? Marketers are hired to create catchy catch-phrases. In fact, I used a catchy catch-phrase in my example, read it again:

It won't stop Bubba from pulling your hair out, but it will make those 'morning after' bowel movements a breeze.

There are several things to note here. First, alliteration. Notice that I used the letter 'B' as the first letter in 4 of the words in that catchy catch-phrase, you can count them: Bubba, but, bowel, and breeze, that adds up to four. Alliteration draws attention to those words in the sentence, and the delivery, both in speech and in text, is much smoother - like those bowel movements! See? There's another one! Also, the catchy catch-phrase clearly gets across what the product will do and what it won't. First, it implies that there will be less pain and discomfort, and the secondary benefit where morning bowel movements will be easier. But it also makes it clear that it can't stop the pain and discomfort caused by hair pulling.

Take this example into consideration when you write your next advertisment.

6. Marya, you have some good words in your email: embarrass, benefit, immediate, fascinate. These are really powerful words, but you failed to use them coherently. You want readers to become customers, and spewing a bunch of words at them isn't going to help your cause.

Also, you mentioned flying, I mean, I like flying as much as the next guy, but: "fly different am again did"??? Seriously, Marya, you have to proofread! It makes all the difference. And your email is so short that it would hardly have taken any time to look over it again. Even the coworker in the next cubicle could quickly read your email to make sure it's ready to send, it's really that simple. You have to work as a team if your company is going to be successful.

Well Marya, that's about all the input I can give right now. I hope you take something away from this, and I hope to hear from you again soon, as well as other offers about software, and flying, maybe even Leprechauns.

Your friend,

observashuns

People and their animals

If there's anything I hate more than people's obnoxious animals, it's their obnoxious kids. The other day while driving to work, I saw a lady dragging one of those little red wagons with her kid in it, which was towing another red wagon with a kid in it, which was tied to a plastic Fisher-Price wagon, again with a child in it, dragging one last wagon complete with child. It was a formidable choo-choo train of wagon riding children of various ages. I nearly choked on my coffee and crashed my car - but at least I would have died laughing. Link.

But that's not what this post is about. Today, kids, we're going to learn about animals. I happened to be watching television and was terrified to learn that dogs have better dental care than most humans! Apparently there is this product that you can buy and your dog chews on it and it cleans its teeth. Why can't inventors throw us a fucking bone here? Toothpaste? And floss? Who the fuck came up with floss anyway?

Come on people, we gotta draw the line somewhere! Fucking dental hygiene for your dog?!? Really? What is the life expectancy for a dog anyways? What's the point of having your puppy's teeth outlast his lifespan? Are you going to collect Fido's teeth so you can snag some extra coin from the tooth fairy?

Same with violence, it seems that the bleeding hearts make more of a fuss when a cute kitty gets wasted than when people are the victims of violence. People piss away their effort on the things that don't matter. Yes, I know you love Scooby, but think about the example Shaggy is setting for your kids by smoking hash in the back of that van. Stop protesting about animal testing and go fight some crime if you care about the sanctity of life you fucking morons.

Enough ranting for tonight, I have to set up some traps to crush tiny rodents.

Bad Neighbours

Lakeview Terrace. It's got Samuel L. Jackson. Motherfucker. Maybe that last "motherfucker" wasn't necessary but then again, it's Samuel L. Jackson. Motherfucker.

Yeah. I guess Hollywood is out of ideas. Go watch the trailer right now.

No joke, it's about neighbours who don't get along. And they really don't get along. I just think it's a stupid idea to base a story around. I think the last movie I saw where the neighbours don't get along was Dennis the Menace; that really doesn't set a good precedent for paying 10 bucks to see a flick in the movie theater. I mean I like Samuel L. Jackson, because he's a badass motherfucker - but I think he should have stayed away from this one. He's going to be badass in this movie, but it's a little hard for me to take it seriously when the reason for all the badassery is that Jackson could be pissed about buddy's dog taking a dump on his lawn or something just as trivial.

When it comes to neighbours, they don't talk to me, and I don't talk to them. That's the way it should be. I live in an apartment building, which helps with the interaction because everyone in the building keeps to themselves. We usually keep it to: "Hey how ya doing?" and "Shitty weather lately." or a prehistoric grunt and a nod. Every once in a while you hear people bumping something upstairs or moving some furniture, but for the most part that's to be expected. I've had an apartment 'cohabitant' knock on my door only once in the last year that I've lived here. Not even to borrow some sugar or a power tool. Although I guess I did have a police officer bang on my door one evening looking for someone named Ray. I shrugged my shoulders and told him I didn't even know the first name of anyone in the building. Turns out Ray is the fella in the apartment next to mine. Who knew?

That's why I don't understand this whole bad neighbours thing. Unless your neighbour skins live cats at 3 am then you ought not have any issues. The less effort you put into your neighbourly relationship with the people who dwell around you - the less they will interact with you. What a magical equation! This just makes it even harder for me to believe the premise of Lakeview Terrace. Considering the houses that you see in the trailer, it surprises me that Jackson and his neighbour have time to fight amongst themselves given all their tennis practices and the busy schedule down at the yacht club - we're talking upscale Hollywood surbubia here, not a trailer park.

People always say that good fences make good neighbours, that might be true, but not giving a shit about your neighbours also works. Just ignore them, you'll have good neighbours.

My Open Letter to Jay Onrait

The following is my open letter to TSN personality Jay Onrait. Here's his bio. Although, I suggest you avoid it, lest you see his goofy smirk that will make you cringe as if you were watching a bicycle accident.

Dear Mr. Jay Onrait,

It's no surprise that you normally fill the late night slot for Sportscentre, it certainly has the least audience viewing - either that, or the people watching at that time are too tired to care who does their sports announcing, because quite honestly, Mr. Onrait, you are the worst announcer on SC.

Lately though, Mr. Onrait, you have been gracing more and more daytime slots on SC. Now normally, I turn on TSN to catch SC and the previous day's scoreboard when I get up in the morning and make myself some delightful breakfast. The last thing I want to hear when I get up is your shrieking voice spouting off poorly executed, or at best, plain-old bad jokes. This infuriates me. How can I possibly start my day like this? It eats away at me and I struggle to get my groove back before I get to work.

I am quite surprised that while watching SC about a week ago, there was a Jay Onrait *ahem* "Fan Club" at the Jays game. Either a) this is a joke and they are mocking you, or b) these people are totally out of touch with reality. I'm going to go with option a.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this letter, please read it on the air, so that all may hear how terrible you really are. It also means a lot to me that you, yourself, understand how awful you are. Stay out of my television.

Thank you and good day to you sir.

Stupid Protests

Ahhh... protests. Using your so-called 'right' to free speech.


Here's a new classic: Activists help condo owner fight eviction [Boston Globe]

Synopsis: Boston lady can't make mortgage payments, lender decides to foreclose, community protests foreclosure, lender backs off... giving her a 30-day grace period.

These idiotic protestors bitch out the U.S. government for bailing out 'the big guys', i.e. banks. Well, Defaulting-on-your-mortgage-crazy-lady, maybe that's because if all the banks start filing bankruptcy, then your country's entire economic structure will crumble, which will then lead to a whole bunch more people out on their ass in the streets - not just you. This is a simple utilitarian principle, do the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And you, my dear crazy-lady, are not the greatest number.

Why do people join protests that attempt to protect stupidity? This woman is not fiscally responsible. Do I need to repeat that? She. Can't. Pay. Her. Mortgage. These same people will go home feeling great that they helped the little guy out, and bitch about their taxpayer dollars going to deadbeat welfare recipients. Don't protect stupidity! How is this woman any different? She's about to learn a very harsh, but also very important lesson. In 30 days when her bank's leniency runs out, she's going to learn an important lesson.

Related lesson: I end up going to the movie theater with two friends. Friend #1 decides to get food at the food court. I lean over to friend #2, and say: "Watch this, [he]'s about to learn an important lesson." Everyone knows that movie theaters don't take kindly to bringing your own goody bag into the movies. Did I stop him? As friend #1 gets ejected from the movies for trying to smuggle in his delicious contraband, I have a good chuckle at his expense, thinking: "told ya so."

Did I protect his stupidity? No. Did he learn an important lesson? He sure did. Harsh, but important. I consider my inaction a complete success.

The people who don't learn are the ones that piss me off. I get a kick out of seeing protests in the news, because I know, normally, that someone gets a good beat down. And god-damn, do I ever love watching a one-sided UFC match between a cop with riot gear and a taser in hand, and a skinny patchouli wearing hippie using a misspelled cardboard sign as a shield!

Olympics in China. No matter how hard you tantrum, I'm sorry Professor Asshat, they are still going to happen. Sure, the condition of human *ahem* rights in China is awful. But let's be realistic here. They won't going to cancel the Olympics because you stole the Olympic torch. No, no, my activist (whatever the fuck that word means) friends - I mean, honestly, it's the fucking Olympics - the show must go on. That's the bottom line. This is a show. And not only that, it's a show of the 'cash cow' variety. Those corporate monsters will taser your stupid ass into cardiac arrest to make money entertaining the masses (and how!).

No matter how many times Bono shakes his fist and demands that governments do more for the plight of Africa, it's not going to have much of an effect. I think people might be more responsive if he changed his name to George, got rid of his diamond-encrusted-welding-mask-sized-glasses, and gathered some experts (doctors, lawyers, politicians and political analysts, engineers, military advisors, social workers, health workers, and a variety of other professionals) and put together a working group that comes up with a realistic, acheivable, long-term plan that addresses the problem instead of demanding that every richer-than-Africa country throw money hand over fist at a problem and hoping for a different outcome than last time.

So stop protesting stupid shit. At least for the sake of my blood pressure. God I hate writing about Bono. That guy makes me sick.

Television Warnings

Here's another nanny state alert: goddamn motherfucking warnings before a television show and after commercials when the show resumes (I live in Canada). This pisses me off to no end. They put these on after every commercial break, and then they fucking read it to me. This... has to stop. Please... it's just irritating. Who makes these asinine rules? And who are they trying to protect?

"The following program contains nudity, sexuality, and course language. Viewer discretion is advised."
Studies have shown the children who witness the above warning message continue watching 100% of the time. That message attracts kids to TV like lint to my navel. The thing that bugs me the most is that waaaaay before these post-commercial warnings ever started popping up on the airwaves they had a little 'thingie' in the top corner of the show that said: PG, or 14A or whatever. Make up your mind; one or the other! Now there are two warnings!
Holyshithwhatthefuckbarbequeoverkill? Is that really necessary? The little 14A in the corner means something, and it isn't nearly as obtrusive, so there's no need to billboard my TV with a 30 second warning every time Family Guy breaks for commercial. I feel like someone from the CRTC is holding my hand while I watch TV... "Are you sure you want to watch this show?" Fuck you TV regulators. I want blood and violence and sex, if I didn't, then it wouldn't be on TV anyways. I watched Deliverance, every goddamn Rambo movie, and 2 girls 1 cup, damn you - I've seen it all.
Protect the children? Fuck you. I say we desensitize kids as soon as possible. Make them immune to blood and guts and sex, otherwise they end up being whimpering prudes; I guess in a society of pussies, they'll fit in.

Failing at failure

I watched a commercial where a lady, let's call her: "Linda" puts a manikin in her cubicle in order for her to skip out of work to go shopping at wal-mart. This is concerning for a couple of reasons. First, what would happen if you did that and got caught? Yep - that's a firing. Plus, nobody in your office is going to like you for shirking your work, even you happen to avoid getting fired. You would never be able to work with coworkers who don't trust you, and who obviously are under the opinion that you are dispensable enough that you can shrug off a day of work without consequence.
So... yeah uh... Linda... how's the job search going huh? Hmmm.... yeah that sucks, I was wondering how the shopping at wal-mart is going now? Oh! You're not going to wal-mart anymore and you're collecting food stamps because nobody but the strip club will hire your unreliable ass?
Second, what kind of example is advertising setting for the children? (think of the children!!!) This is no way to encourage a society that is lazy enough as it is. Not that the average marketing musketeer gives a rat's ass about motivating a society that pretty much encourages the absolute bare minimum.
What? "Bare minimum"?!?!! Of course your precious hairless chimpanzee baby-child is being taught to work hard! Teachers don't encourage the bare minimum! [link]
My cousin is a primary teacher, and she tells me that they would burn her at the stake like it was Salem in 1692 if she failed one of her kiddies (this is in Canada). I guess no kid sucks enough to fail these days; especially not yours.
North American society is too caught up in the political correctness of making everyone feel good. We're so afraid of taking those little diaper poopers down a couple of pegs and hurting their self-esteem, that we've bred a society that is on the brink of failing to recognize failure. That's a scary thought isn't it? Suddenly, we start pumping out sub-par engineers and professionals with meaningless degrees out of our schools - all because we don't want to fail anyone.
Failing to recognize failure is where the saying "history repeats itself" comes from - I guess there's a pretty good track record for that kind of stuff.